Ah, the classic method...

You know the one. Some people can't stand it when you reject them, and they think the way to deal with it is to insult you or your partner. I'm not really sure what they ever hope to achieve: "Oh, well, now that you've told me you don't like him, I guess I'll date you instead"? Anyway, this guy is another from Fetlife. We spoke about three months ago, and during it, I was polite, but made it clear that he was outside of my age range. We had a nice chat, and he ended up ignoring me for whatever reason, and then randomly telling me to add him on Whatsapp, then insulting me when I refused ("oh dear... you sound annoying. Yes, probably best if we don't bother. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx". Like, chill). So anyway, I now have my partners, but only one listed on my profile. Note that this guy does not know me personally, and he's never even spoken to or met my partners. My thoughts in italics, as usual.

Him:  You ended up with that drip? XD What are you, an overgrown scene kid? Who uses that face?

Me: Drip? I don't understand

Him: https://www.google.co.uk/search?sourceid=chrome-psy… link to the definition of "drip". Note that it apparently means "a weak and ineffectual person.", which the mentioned partner certainly is not.

Me: Yes dear, I know what a drip is. I just don't understand what you're referring to in relation to me. I call people "dear" when I dislike them

Him: i'm talking about the slender fellow my dear.

Me: You know him?

Him: No, I would't hand around with such a creature :) I really don't get this- he doesn't know the guy, or anything about him

Me: How do you know you wouldn't if you don't know him? What's the problem anyway?

Him: Well, that would be because I am very judgmental :) No problem, just enjoying the chit chat xxxxxxxxxxxxx At this point, I and the partner were reading this together, equal parts amused and confused

Me: I'm really confused right now. Do you have an actual problem with him or are you still sore about rejection?

Him: hahahaha! love it. I don't know him so I don't really have a problem, I just think he looks a bit....unusual. Like seriously, what? You dislike a stranger based on the fact that he looks different to you? You argue and insult me and him based on that? To be rejected would mean that I first had to try, that was not the case my little friend :) Oh, here's the sore spot...

Me (well, partner, because I had given up trying to get sense from this guy): Hey. Afforementioned skinny guy here. Things are pretty good between the three of us. How are your relationships going?

Him (warning: he's gross): Hey skinny guy,

Yeah not so bad thanks, couple of sluts on the side (you know how it is i'm sure). not responding to that- we have no sluts, and we are not sluts

Actually traveled to Dearham to meet a girl who I was chatting to on Fetlife the other day- I ended up facefucking her in the layby which was romantic....being honest though she was a bit of a skank so nothing to be proud of with that escapade.

Prior to that I was seeing some girl who I met off of POF- things went well until I decided to fill the sink full of cold water and semi-drown her whilst dishing out hard anal sex... don't think that was her preference but "hey ho" we must try these things.

Not a huge amount lined up but i'm looking forward to the 13th- i'm traveling to meet another person from FET. Shes into ultra-violent sex which should be fun.
I have a plan to force feed her my piss but don't think it would be appropriate to go into at 11:25 am on a Tuesday.

So it's been a real pleasure conversing with you; however, sadly I must depart (work and all that jazz).

Wishing you both an enjoyable week and do be careful not to break any bones you little love bomb :)

Much love
MHS his username initials
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Seriously, this guy thinks he's such a babe. He makes me cringe.

Me/partner, when we finished laughing: I got engaged last week. It's awesome having a deep and meaningful connection with a person...even better with two. Have fun with your one-off encounters. To clarify: My partners got engaged. They were together before I came along. I am not engaged and do not plan to be... I do plan to buy diamonds, though

Him: Ok princess. Think of all the fun i'm having when she stops making the effort :)



We gave up here, and went to show the other partner. She thought it was strange but funny. Personally, I'd rather think of the connection we have than the sex with strangers he enjoys... Each to their own, but we value emotion more. Why would we stop "making the effort", anyway? These people... I want to knock my head against a wall, but laugh at them at the same time.

ForeignMan

I don't go on OKC very often now, but I did today to respond to a message (a boring one. It just said "Heyy.". Like, what do I say to that? I opted for "Hello."), and then was shown as "online" or "active", and the vultures descended. Here's what I got, from a 29-year-old man from a foreign country (his username was [country's name]Man. How boring can he be?). I'm 20 on Friday, but still. He's too old.

"do you want to talk on skype with me ? it could be an enriching experience for the both of us :)"

By "enriching experience", I expect he meant "mutual masturbation session", or some such joy.

My reply: "Oh yes, I'd love to talk on Skype with a man ten years my senior, who has never spoken to me before or made any effort to get to know me before asking for contact details!"

He then assured me that his intentions were good. Well, great. Don't all the creepers? I should add that my profile states that my upper age limit is 22, and also that I don't give my contact details to strangers. Well, he tried!

Some creepers from FetLife

So, FetLife is like Facebook for kinky people, but without Candy Crush. It's social networking, and some people find dates/play partners/love there, but that's not the main aim. That being said, my profile says that I'm vaguely looking for people to be friends with and possibly play with (not very actively as I have enough now, but still). Some people on there are lovely, and I have made some friends. Then, there are the weirdos... Bear in mind that my profile specifies that I want someone aged 18-25, 30 at the very oldest. I'm 19 and prefer people my own age. Still, some people want to try their luck anyway! There is one guy who messages me every time I get online- he actually did just now. Always just "hi". We've had some conversations, but we have nothing in common and he likes to talk about himself, which gets boring after a while, you know. Still, he tries.
I have just counted, and there are 14 "hi" messages from the past week. Dear god.
Anyway, on to the creepers. First, one aged 30 who I'd exchanged about 4 messages with two weeks or so prior to this.

Him: Add me on whatsapp. Im very busy and hardly ever get on here x (see my rant on strangers who use Xs if you haven't already)

Me: I don't have whatsapp- probably a good idea to ask in future. I don't add strangers anyway, especially those who put kisses on their messages. That creeps me out. If you want to talk on here that's fine but I'm not adding you anywhere else.

Him: oh dear... you sound annoying. Yes, probably best if we don't bother.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Please note that he was the one who originally messaged me and seemed interested. Ah well, I feel I'm not missing much!

Creeper #2: A 29 year old man who cannot spell to the level of a six year old.

Him: if ur partner had tied u to the bed, blindfolded u n put ur knickers in ur mouth then spent the afternoon doing watever they wanted to you n u wer hot n wet thn they wispered in ur ear now the ad i put up online has had so many replies soon the door bell will be ringin n then u will b entertaining whoever i let in ... wat wud u do? (does he seriously expect a positive response? I think I strained my eyes with the amount of time I spent staring at this message, willing it to form into words... Also, I think this might be called rape)

Me: Ask them not to omit vowels and punctuation?

Him: i guess thtd kill a fire

Me: No idea on that one. I don't do random role-plays with people I don't know, anyway.

Him: even in yur thinkin mind?

Me: How would I do a role-play in my mind? Surely that's just thinking?

Him: I suppose it is. It would not werk in reality as i already told u the whole thing.. or did i

Me: I'm guessing the rest is just about your little fantasy slave getting fucked by several men. From what I could decipher, that's where it was headed.

Him: It depends if any women answere the ad but i left it up to u
mayb it is just to see what wud happen

Me: The ad? I'm sorry, was your story meant to be an ad for something?

Him: fer yer pussy (I almost choked laughing here)

Me: Uh-huh. Well, mine responds to intelligence and well-thought-out messages, so I'm afraid yours failed.

He stopped making sense after this, if you can call this sense. He amused me.

Creeper #3: 31 year old married man, who was surprisingly polite in rejection. I do not respect cheaters, but it's none of my business. Usually these copypaste messagers are quite rude when rejected, but he was polite, so that's points to him. His message title was "a stunning attraction". I know it, babes.

Him: Hi, i am from the norwich area, have to say you have an amazing body and such an innocent look that it's so much more exciting to find out how naugty you can be! :)
i am 31 years old :( but look younger than i am....29 maybe? :)

i am a cheeky explorer but also very respectful!
i am also naughty, perhaps naughtier than you'd like...i am married....i know thats bad, my wife does not know about my naughty desires......would you be willing to chat and perhaps move things to a physical and fun nature?

i appreciate i don't have any pics on here, obviously it's due to the fact i shouldnt be on here according to my wife!

i've never messaged on here....lets see how this goes...lol

i will understand though if you'd rather i do one! lol (why do people think it's acceptable to put "lol" in lower case letters, and in real conversation? Teenager is not happy!)

Me: Sorry but you're outside of my age range and I don't agree with nonconsensual non-monogamy (i.e. cheating). I'd suggest you talk to your wife and sort out the issues therein before being on here, and that you perhaps choose people within your age group.

Him: I appreciate your reply and honesty, and half expected both those responses.
All the best and am sure you will find what you want on here with more suitable folk :)

I'm glad that he was polite. I do not respect him because of the cheating and the obvious copypaste, but at least he's not one of those who begs for sex, then calls you a fat ugly whore when you say no (this has happened and I find it hilarious). Still, the fact that he calls himself "naughty" as a 31 year old man on a kink site is funny. So many people think they're so kinky and naughty, when their most daring fantasy is perhaps anal or outdoor sex. Good for them, you know, that's cool, but it's clear that they haven't been on FetLife long. You'd have to go far to shock someone on there! Anyway, enough creepers for now. The "hi" guy has just messaged me again. Oh dear!

"Hello thingie"

I woke up to this message this morning, from a man who is 38 years old (literally twice my age), and who lives a few cities south of me. Note: I work in a store called Maplin, and the adverts refer to us as Maplineers. Not thingies.

Hello Mapliengeer thingy ;-) Fancy a chat?

Spelling is hard, right? Kind of wondering why the winky face is there, as well...

Aside from that, some genius has sent me "Hey". Like, what do I do with that? I replied "Hello." and have had no reply for several hours. I have just looked and apparently he's online- perhaps he realises that t here's not much you can say to that? Ah well- I have no real creepers to report, just these guys. I guess that's good!

"Have sex with me?"

This one had messaged me a few times today. He had sent me some lyrics to a song I didn't know (Queen Victoria by Leonard Cohen), and then got snarky when I got confused and asked him to explain. I finally Googled it, then told him off for being snarky. This is the response I got. He has given up all pretence.


so is there any chance you will ever have sex with me based on internet being our first impression and that i find you sexually attractive plus I think one day we will both die but while we are alive we could do anything we liked and have as much fun as we wanted without anyone stopping us even if we would only spoilt it all with having little in common later wouldn't it be worth it


Um, how about no.

This one is from a guy with no profile picture and nothing but the bare minimum on his profile (height, age, etc.)

Him: Hello how are you you in norwich cos if you are i am too if you want to meet up for chat *I don't know about you, but I almost ran out of breath reading that even in my head!*

Me: I don't meet with people I don't know. Also, protip: Grammar and punctuation are such turn-ons.

Him: Plseas meet up with me. Im geniine,chatty(shy at first) honest and romantic
Him: Are you in norwich?

Me: Have you read my profile at all? Sure you're all those things. I still don't meet with anyone I don't know, and I'm even less inclined when you beg and tell me you're "genuine". Surely genuineness is expected, not something that needs to be said?

Him: Im definatly genuine what you see is what you get i dont pretend to be something im not cos i hate people like that.

Me: Again, this is not something that should have to be stated, so I'm less inclined to believe anyone who feels the need to tell me. Anyway, what I see is someone with no photo and a worse grasp of grammar and punctuation than a six-year-old child, not even mentioning the begging to meet up.

I'll keep you updated.

Dating by sister proxy

There's a guy I've been texting for a few days. Nothing serious- he seems nice but rather vapid, and I'm fairly uninterested. He's also one of those who puts "xx" on the end of everything, and if you've read this blog before, you'll know that I hate that from strangers. Anyway, it's been silent for a few days, and then he texted me while I was sitting looking at dresses online with my sister. She decided she would answer him- nothing weird, just answering his questions, saying I'm home with her and her Chihuahua. His response?

"There's something about you heather... Like a book... A book I'd like to read in fine detail..."

We sat and just laughed at that, I mean, what the hell? Considering we hadn't spoken in days and he knows fairly little about me, I'm wondering. Also, take half a second to capitalise my name, it's the done thing.
Straight after this was this gem:

"Aww no way :D I shall come steal Spartacus and you ;) hehe xxxx"

The extra Xs here are because my sister decided to put them on the end of her text to him, whereas I'd been stoically ignoring them. Also, he capitalised the dog's name. Humph.

Sister tried to reply but the signal here is nonexistent and it didn't send. Good.

Not creepy, just odd.

This is someone's first message to me. We had never spoken before and I don't think we were about a 30% match (he's deleted his profile now so can't check).

I asked someone what they first noticed about me. They said my bald spot. Gits.

Well, okay then. Good to know.

I'm not sure what happened here.

So this guy had been talking to me for about ten minutes at this point. He was another person who seemed allergic to punctuation and correct spellings, and put two or three Xs on everything. Ick. Anyway, before this he had asked where I live and if I wanted to meet up (er, no).

Him: Yh I know u got any kids xx
Me: No, I'm 19. (like, is teen pregnancy now just assumed?)
Me: My profile says I have no kids.
Him: Oh sorry xx I had two but my ex killed them xxx

And that was the point when I stopped responding.

Creeper alert!

This guy’s profile says he lives in Ireland. He had been messaging me, but nothing very interesting until this point.

Him: Okay you are right, actually I reading your profile I like you, your profile is very interesting, I know you live in different country, no long far away, I don't know what you think about me,
Me: I think that you use far too many commas and should consider the merits of the full stop. I don't know, I just know that we live in different countries so anything aside from long-distance friendship isn't going to work.
Him: I know but no long far away only few minutes journey, actually I live in London last 3 year may family is there,
Me (Norwich): That's still rather far, not really a few minutes' journey. That's a few hours' journey, so as I said, nothing but long-distance friendship is going to work.
Him: I am not loying you, I see your pictures you looking great, I like you, I think you living with me just few days you know me and I know you,
Me: What is loying? Also, are you seriously inviting me to come and stay with you? I don't know you and I'm not going to go stay with a stranger, especially so far away.
Him:I am not fraud, you not happy living with me ok no problem, you living separate ok I don't mind,
Me: Yep, I'm happy living here.

"I'm so alone, be my friend"

Note: He is in Liverpool.

Him: Hi beautiful
I like your profile
I'm new here and looking for friends or more
Hope we can be friends or more if you like to
Me: First off, my name's not Beautiful. Second, I'm not looking for anything more than friendship right now.
Him: Hello
Him: Sorry Heather
Him: I called you beutiful cuz you are indeed
Him: And me either
Him: I am looking for a friendship
Him: I said maybe more or maybe not
Him: I'm so alone here wothout any friends
Him: Tonight is Saturday night and I'm at home
Him: Seriously it's really hard to live without friends
Me: Then perhaps you should try looking in your local area. Also, you said you were looking for more, so don't lie. I don't care if you're looking for more really. Also, I really don't appreciate people coming in with "beautiful" and the like. I far prefer knowing they've actually looked at my profile and seen something they like other than my face.
Him: And that's why I had to come and sign up into this application and try to finding friends
Him: Hope you understand me and forgive me if I called you beautiful
Him (half a minute after the last message): Are u there?
Him: Or maybe you don't wanna answer?
Me: Yes, I'm here. I am doing things other than being on here constantly.
Him: I saw ur profile bye the way
Him: And I am not lier
Him: I saw you answer which is really close to mine
Him: That's why I sent u a message

I gave up at this point, he’s an illiterate idiot.

Another "romantic scenario"...

Seriously, who responds positively to these? People forcing their weird scenarios onto me are just odd. What's wrong with "Hello"?

Random 32 year old man: Hey there. Let me create a romantic scenario for you: You are at a wedding as you know the bride.... It has been a beautiful, magical day. But during the reception, a man in his late 20s/early 30s who you personally found attractive asks you for a dance. X What would you say? Xx

Me: I'd say no, I don't dance unless I'm very drunk, and even then with no one except my dad. I'd also say that I find people who begin conversations by forcing their "romantic scenarios" on people half their age rather creepy, and even more so when they put Xs on the message.
Note: Dad and I dance together because we're both terrible and a bit dangerous, and no one else will usually dance with us. 
Also, I'm 19 so not half his age, but still significantly younger than him. 

I'm not sure if this guy is the same one who sent me another "romantic scenario" a few posts back. I checked my OKC messages but must have deleted that one, so I don't know if this guy is the same.

I then ventured a look at his profile. He seems to have a very set idea of his future bride.

Sincere and down to earth, my lady love has to be pure of heart, (what does that even mean?) honest and a jolly person! I hope to complete the perfect picture of my life with a loving and sincere partner. As a photographer, my job is to look for the most beautiful things out there and capture them and that's exactly what I intend to do. I'm searching for my Mona Lisa who I'm sure is waiting out
there in The Starry Night looking for me as I am for her.

The type of woman I find attractive tends to be passionate about nature and getting outside. She knows the difference between a good Cabernet and a bad Sauvignon and can keep up during conversations that extend beyond the latest celebrity scandal. If that sounds like you, send me a message and let’s chat more… (because that's not sexist at all, you know. Most women are totally vapid and care about nothing more than Kate Middleton's vagina or what Tiger Woods did. I don't keep up with celebs so I have no idea what's happening with them now, I know my examples are old!)

Also, he didn't mention height in his "first things people notice section"! He just wrote something mildly creepy...

That my civilised demeanour doesn’t quite fit with my less than innocent eyes.

Looking at profiles...

So today, as you may have guessed, I'm looking at profiles of people that OKC thinks I might like. One, who is an 80% match, and rather cute, caught my eye. However, I am a little put off by finding this in his profile:

I think the thing I'm best at is being a friend and a boyfriend. I like to think I'm one of the very view genuine guys left in the world! :)

It wasn't in bold, but I'm using bold to show profile quotes in this post, you see. Anyway, this just really puts me off. I'm sure he's a great guy, but I dislike it when people make a big deal of being "genuine", as if everyone else in the world is deceitful. Surely genuine-ness should be the norm? He is trying to make out that there are very few nice guys in the world, and anyone would be lucky to have him, in my opinion. Besides that, why is his best thing "being a friend and boyfriend"? This section is usually used to showcase skills or nice qualities. This tells me nothing! Everyone likes different things, you know? Also, he clearly doesn't proofread. Still, his literacy skills are better than most on the internet...

Another one amused me. The section was "The most private thing I'm willing to admit"

I love sex ;)

I think that one's pretty self-explanatory!

Wait, hold on, guys. I've just found a guy who sells wine for a living. I've found THE ONE. I'm messaging this one. I know this blog is for all the creepers but I feel I should show you all that there are some nice (wine-providing) profiles!

The next winner is so inspiring, I will post everything on his profile. Here goes: 

Enthusiastic, play football sex god

Brilliant. 

I think OKC is running out of matches for me. Also, looking through profiles, I have noticed that under the "The first thing people notice about me" section, most guys (I haven't looked at many girls' profiles) seem to mention their height. I can understand this if they are especially tall or short (I have height in that section of my profile, as I am 5'1, and so people do tend to comment on it), but most of the ones I have seen tend to be average height, like around 5'10 (There is a section for demographics and one thing is height, so most people have theirs up). I don't understand that. Why would you notice something average as the first thing? Maybe that's just me, but if I meet a person of average height, I don't tend to focus on it- I focus on hair, eyes, clothing, whatever. This is just another online dating mystery...


UPDATE:

I've just found this on a profile under the "first things" section.

pfffft that I am average height at 5ft 7 ....... yes average not short!

I think this proves my point. I also think that he may have a height complex.

Today's gem

Again, this guy is from OKC. I talk to these people because I'm bored and they amuse me. If they get boring or offensive, I leave.

Him: Hi I hate conversations that start like this, like what are you expecting me to say?

Me: Hi.

Him: How was ur day

Me: Good, I guess, nothing amazing. How was yours?

Him: Hee hee
Him: Myn was samd nuthng amazing just went simply
Him: So wat r u doing nw
Him: Hey by d way u luk pretty n beautiful

Me: Just sitting here, finishing up some work and drinking hot chocolate. You?

Him: Ohhh wowww

Me: What?

Him: Dis is nt fair u r drinking alone without ma company

Me: It's totally fair, I think. Drinking hot chocolate is great alone.

Him: Myself just doing some studies n now on bed chatting with u
Him: Ok ok sry sry
Him: Njoy ur hot choclate alone
Him: I was just kidding
Him: So u r pshycology student sounds intresting

Me: It is, I'm halfway through my degree now.

Him: Grt
Him: So how you gt intrested in this subject

Me: I did it in sixth form and loved it. It provides a way to help people, which is what I've always wanted to do.

Him: Impressive u r so sweet n pure by heart
Him: I wish n pray u gt d success all d wAy in ur life
Him: So what all u study i mean how u tackle these people

Me: I don't know about that, I guess I'm as sweet as anyone else. I just think everyone deserves help when they need it.

Him: Thats true
Him: I agree
Him (slightly later because I couldn’t think of a reply to his last message): Slept

Me: Slept?

Him: Oops i mean did u slept or awake
Him: Tomorrow u wl b going college

Me: No, I'm awake, and I'm not in university tomorrow.

Him: Ohh great
Him: So any plans on this valentine day

Me (going all Kat Stratford on him. Also this is my actual opinion, I’m not just trying to deflect his intentions): No. I dislike Valentine's Day on principle- it's a commercialised holiday designed to guilt people into buying overpriced crap to somehow prove their love. Also, if you love someone, you should show them every day, not just one arbitrarily chosen one each year. However, my friend's birthday is that day so I guess I might be doing something with him.

Him: Ohhhh thats great thinking on dis day i do have same opinion 

Him: And on that day nehow u r with a guy (is this a requirement on V day?)

Him: Dats grt

Him: So r u single

Me: It's great that I'm with a guy? I guess, probably with his girlfriend too. Yes, I'm single. (as stated on my profile)

Him: Ohhh he gt gf 

So what u expect from ur guy i mn what u have dream about ur guy or ur prince

Me: What? About my friend? I expect him to be nice to me, I guess. yes, he's got a girlfriend and she's awesome. We talk about cats together.

Him: No i mean what do u expect from ur in future boyfriend n what qualities u want in him

Me: I don't really think about it, to be honest. I find that if you have set hopes, no one will be able to live up to them. I guess I'd want a future partner to live fairly close by, be intelligent, have a job or be in education, and be well-groomed. (Note: this guy lives nowhere near me and clearly has problems with literacy. his profile has no info on jobs and education, so no idea there)

Anyway, this guy is not giving up but is kind of boring now, so I'll spare you the rest unless something interesting comes up. Laters. 

Another OKC guy...

RandomDudeTwiceMyAge: Hi there, allow me to create a romantic scenario for you: It's 8am and you are on a busy train, heading to work/college.... The man sitting opposite you, whom you find very attractive, looks up from his kindle - He offers you a smile and says that you have a cute smile. X How would you respond? Xx

Me: I'd tell him that real books don't have batteries, and hell yes, everything about me is adorable. I'd also tell him I'm not looking for a relationship and that pushing his 'romantic scenarios' on random people is very impersonal and kind of creepy.

Also, am I the only one who thinks it's creepy when strangers put Xs in messages? I only put them in messages to my very best friends or my close family. Maybe I'm just too British!

Also, I know I'm posting a lot at once. I have a backlog of these, I'm not getting so many at once!

The time I trolled a guy on Omegle...

My thoughts in italics. I like Omegle people, they take themselves so seriously.

You: Meow I meow sometimes, okay
Stranger: Tell me your name.
You: Tell me yours first, then.
Stranger: Ladies first.
You: And you know my gender?
Stranger: Yeah.
You: Ooh scary psychic
Stranger: You better watch out.
You: You better not cry....
Stranger: Yeah I'll try
You: You ruined it!
You: No Santa for you
Stranger: Where are you from?
You: Where are you from?
Stranger: Shape up or you'll talk to someone else
You: If you expect information from a stranger, it's only polite to offer yours. Oh, I'm so worried, Stranger doesn't like me. I'd better conform to his desires pretty quick.
Stranger: So you you're asian or something? Cool
You: You are actually hilarious, I'm liking this conversation because it's so ridiculous. I'm Asian? Really? I didn't realise.
Stranger: They seem the most shy about their heritage.
Stranger: Or from India maybe. Maybe thats asian. I dont know.
You: ...that's not racist in any way then. Yes, dear, India is in Asia.
You: I'm not shy about my heritage at all- I just value politeness, a sentiment few seem to share.
Stranger: I think even asking is a form of politeness.
Stranger: But whatever. If you don't want to reply, you can ask me something instead I guess.
You: I'm not sure about that but we can disagree amicably. However, I do think that if you expect information from a stranger, you need to offer your own information. I don't care about where you are from, and don't see why it matters in conversation.
You: Alright.
You: What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Stranger: No clue.
You: Not a Monty Python fan, I surmise. Black mark against you, sir.
Stranger: I think I saw it once.
You: Which one?
Stranger: Something with a butler
You: Points for trying.
You: What else can I ask? I wondr.
You: Wonder, even.
Stranger: Only one way to find out.
Stranger: Whenever you're ready to step outside of your shell and reply to questions too, just say
You: I'm ready any time you want, sweetheart. When you're ready to offer your information first, go right ahead. As I said, I don't care about your demographics in conversation, but if you want mine, you need to give your own.
Stranger: Sweden, male, 22
Stranger: Favorite color is blue
Stranger: Hmmm
Stranger: I like meat rare
You: Oh good
You: Me too, just show the cow the grill
Stranger: Yeahp
Stranger has disconnected.

A recent OKC creep...

Notes: This guy is from the United Arab Emirates, and I'm in England. We are 0% match. I had posted this on another site, and had already changed his username and now am too lazy to change it to something else. I won't ever post their real usernames, so I usually go for something mildly offensive. Sorry if it offends anyone, in some way... Also, my name is not Orchid on OKC. That's my username for the other site I posted this on. Words in italic are my thoughts. I was kind of rude to him but I was having a bad day and he was pissing me off.

CreepyMcFuck: Hey......:)

Orchid: Hello. I could tell from here that he was going to be a timewaster. I hate it when people misuse ellipses

CreepyMcFuck: How are u.....? Oh good, he types like a child

Orchid: I am well. How are you?

CreepyMcFuck: I am cool..... U have skpye? because this is totally what you say to someone you’ve messaged twice

Orchid: No, but I have Skype. The pedant in me couldn’t resist

CreepyMcFuck: Why u not give id ?

Orchid: Do you really expect me to give my contact details to a complete stranger?

CreepyMcFuck: I want to see u .... But u ....say I can't give is ok lololo ????? seriously, what is he trying to say?

Orchid: I didn't understand most of what you just said, but I will attempt to answer. You can see my in my photos, and I'm not here to be wank fodder. If the only thing you care about is my looks, kindly leave me alone. I really can't decipher the second half of your reply, so I'm afraid I can't answer that.

CreepyMcFuck: I want good panther of life.... A good way to find life partners is to message random women in different countries and ask for their Skype. That’s a sure way to make them wife you!

Orchid: I assume when you said "panther" you meant "partner". If you actually meant panther, I'm worried. Seriously though, how in hell do you expect to find a partner by asking random women to Skype with you? I do not Skype with anyone I don't know well, and you seem to be only interested in my looks. That is incredibly insulting, not to mention the fact that you completely ignore what I say. I find it so insulting when all people comment on is wanting to see me or my looks. If I have nothing better to offer than my face, that’s terrible. In a Dorian Gray-style way

CreepyMcFuck: Ok .... Can u come to skpye please. I can't see you're face ok I want to see you're hart ?ok can he be more desperate? Also, nice try at being soppy

CreepyMcFuck: I thing you are good .... oh, praise the lord, he thinks I’m good. Clearly I care what he thinks.

CreepyMcFuck: That why I like u ?

Orchid: No. I am not Skyping with a stranger I can barely understand, who ignores everything I say. You think I'm good, oh well that's amazing, clearly I'm your soulmate. I don't think you've even looked at my profile, and I honestly don't know what you expect from me. As far as I can tell, you just want wank fodder. You know nothing about me.

CreepyMcFuck: Ok tell me .... Full what u say ???? I seriously have no idea what he’s asking for here

Orchid: What? I really cannot understand you. I've sent you enough detail in these messages- surely you can figure out why I'm not interested in Skyping?

CreepyMcFuck: Why .? But I like u ?? Why

Orchid: Why what? I don't care what you think of me. I honestly don't. You're a stranger who expects me to Skype because you 'like' me. You don't know me, and you have not mentioned a single thing that you like about me aside from my face. You don't like me. You don't know me. I have already said that I don't Skype with strangers, especially those who I find insulting. What is so hard to understand here?

CreepyMcFuck: Ok cool? But what I do ... I like u ?? I am banging my head against a wall, aren’t I?

Orchid: I don't know what you do. I also don't know what you expect. You live in a different country to me, so I really don't know what you're expecting to happen. I still don't care what you think, because you clearly don't like me. You like my photos. Tell you what- learn to spell, learn some grammar, then come back to me.

CreepyMcFuck: I see you're profile .... Ok I see u ok .... My hart like u ... But country is one side ok ... Really I like u .... That s it ....... give it up already

CreepyMcFuck: U can talk me after u no me .... That's why I tell u come to skpye .

Orchid: One side? What? Reading a profile is not enough to make any choices on. You are pushy and rude, and your grammar is giving me a headache. Your "hart" will survive being uncared about by a stranger. I know I’m also being rude, but this guy is persistent and repetitive, and clearly has not even looked at my profile

CreepyMcFuck: Rely I like u ??

CreepyMcFuck: Ok cool…. Babe
Orchid: Uh-huh. Go on then, I'll bite. Why do you like me? Aside from my face, what is "good" about me? I'm still not going on Skype with you, and you are being very rude by pushing it after I have repeatedly said no.

CreepyMcFuck: Ok… Cool babe

Orchid: Do not call me babe. How dare you presume to call me anything? This just proves my point about you not reading my profile. My name is on there. I do not know you, I do not care about you, and I do not want to. getting angry here- I detest it when people do this. Only people very close to me use pet names for me, and I hate it when strangers try.

CreepyMcFuck: I no you're name ok.... Cool ok ....

Orchid: No, it's not "cool". You are rude and disrespectful, and there is no reason for me to put up with you. He’s fast on his way to becoming my first block on here

CreepyMcFuck: Tell me how I take u? getting creeped out here…

CreepyMcFuck: Ok sorry.

CreepyMcFuck: Ok sorry

Orchid: How you take me? What is that supposed to mean?

CreepyMcFuck: Ok tell me what I do .... I like u

CreepyMcFuck: Yas u read massage? what?

CreepyMcFuck: Ok what I say ok more what?

Orchid: You read all of my messages up to this point and realise that I am not interested in you, at all. You then go away.

CreepyMcFuck: Ok

CreepyMcFuck: Finish now all ?

Orchid: What?

CreepyMcFuck: U say go away

Orchid: Yes, yes I did. You understand it, but you are not doing it.

CreepyMcFuck: Ok thanks .... U are happy now .... where is the block button?

Orchid: I am since I now foresee you leaving me alone.

CreepyMcFuck: Ok ... I want u .... But u kick me

Orchid: Oh, poor baby! Let me quickly move to your country and love you because you've taken a fancy to my photo. Congrats, you are the first to make my OKC block list. yes I’m being rude, but he will not give up and I am getting rather pissed at him. Also, I found the button

Aaand end scene. Clearly this guy liked me a lot.